My stepdad and mom used to fight a lot when I was younger. I was probably about 13 years old when my stepdad called me in to the living room and sat me down and said the most piercing words to me…
”Your mom and I can’t stop fighting so we are splitting up. I’m taking your brother and sister. But you are not mine so you need to call your real father and tell him to come get you.”
I now know that he was operating under his own whacked out emotions towards my mom and I also know that he was real sorry for saying those words to me because I kinda went berserk. This was the only home I knew. He did apologize and he retracted what he said and allowed me to stay. But the message was still received.
You are not mine. I don’t want you. You need to go.
I felt it. Shame.
“Do you read the newspaper?” I was 17 when my biological father asked me this question. I hadn’t seen him since I was 2 years old and our reunion took place during my graduation from high school. I was already deeply saturated in shame because, the day I met him, I almost drowned in my own vomit from drinking too much alcohol at a graduation party. (terrible coping skills)
So, this question felt big to me…because my answer was “No, I don’t read the newspaper.”
I felt it. Shame.
He had just read an article about an eclipse. He asked me, “Do you know what an eclipse is?”
I did! I totally did. I pictured it in my mind’s eye. But shame made my tongue stick. I could not get out any words. He was disappointed in me.
I felt it. Shame.
It may seem like a little thing but that conversation marked me. It taunted me. Haunted me. Made me afraid that ANYONE might ask me a question and I wouldn’t know the answer and that makes me a bad person. A stupid person. An embarrassment. A disappointment.
I have allowed the enemy to use this against me for most of my life. The piercing flaming arrows of:
You will never measure up.
You will never be good enough.
You are not wanted.
What a disappointment you are.
You are not smart enough.
… and on and on it goes.
How have I allowed the enemy to use this against me?
I have agreed with the enemy. I have chosen to believe the enemy over what God says…about Himself…and about me.
You see, what God says trumps ANYTHING that ANYONE says.
I forget sometimes.
And that is why God is constantly pursuing me and wooing me back to Him.
I forget sometimes.
And that is why God’s Word is so important in my life!
Not just having your Bible sitting around in your house but OPEN with your eyes and heart and soul and mind drinking His Word in. Reminding yourself of His promises.
Because I can get so thirsty. And JESUS is the only remedy to my thirst.
When I forget, I become so parched and desperate and more vulnerable to the enemy’s schemes.
When I forget, little things can just get blown up!
We went camping this weekend. I always do the shopping for food and such and I like to surprise my family with something new or, in this case, I was resurrecting something that my hubby used to love. It was a boxed pasta called Creamy Parmesan but we jack it up with blue cheese dressing and added broccoli florets. It is quite tasty and I knew he would be excited about it.
Well, the meals weren’t working out to include that pasta at all and, when I would mention that we weren’t having it, I could swear I saw a look of disappointment on Jeff’s face. He said he wasn’t disappointed but that was my perception AND the open door for the enemy to get in there and do his thang.
My emotions got so out of whack over that pasta and what my husband was thinking about me, my entire identity was called into question.
I should have known it was the enemy but this is a path that is frequently traveled by me so I started hearing/saying/agreeing with things like…
You suck as a wife.
Seriously, you can’t even please him by making him a pasta salad?
You are so lazy.
BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!
Can somebody say BREATHE GIRLFRIEND???
I literally let that pasta and those lies torment me for several days. And it is killing me to not insert “SO STUPID” right here but I’m not agreeing with the enemy right now so I can’t (LOL).
I am not stupid. I am not lazy. I do not suck as a wife.
I am made in God’s image. I am loved. I am chosen. He loves to pursue me (even when I don’t make pasta) and he desires to use me for HIS glory.
What lies are you believing about yourself?
The world does not need yet another person who despises the lovely creation that they are. God does not long for another person who rejects themselves and, by extension, HIM. (partly from Becoming Myself by Stasi Eldredge).
Oh, how I want to be who He made me to be.
One more example…
I have not written anything since February 6, 2017. It seems I have simply been paralyzed to write. I know God has gifted me to write and yet I jerk the rug out from under me every time I even think about getting started.
How? By believing lies…
• Your life is too messy to write about.
• Who needs another blogger?
• You can’t write like HER.
• You fail every day.
I read stuff that other people write and I go back to feeling like that dumb little girl who couldn’t answer the question “what is an eclipse?”
But writing is in me. I want to but I get scared. Sometimes I do fail…probably every day in some way.
But today, I repent and release the baseball bat that I use to beat myself up. I repent for believing what the enemy says about me and rejecting the truth of what God says about me.
By faith, I give myself grace for all my failures and mistakes and stand with confidence on the fact that God loves me so much that He sent His Only Son to die for me (and you).
Why would He do that if He didn’t want me? Why would He have made me if He thought I was just going to be a stupid disappointment? He wouldn’t have!
God loves me. He is always pursuing me and wooing me back to him. He is always pursuing you and wooing you back to Him.
(If you are a guy reading this…don’t be shy…you want to be loved just as much as a woman does…so be thankful that He is wooing you too!)
I’m tired of letting the enemy steal my joy, my peace, my love…
I’ve been wounded and bleeding for so very long and I believe Jesus CAN and DESIRES to heal me. I want healing in every part of my being.
And the Perfect Father says…
”Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” (Mark 5:34)