I wrote a blog a while back called Confessions of a Homeschool Mom. In it, I described two things I felt the LORD revealed to me…about me…the second one being YOU HAVE NEVER ONCE RESTED IN ME.
I remember hearing that in my spirit as we were driving down the road on a rainy Sunday morning and it aggravated me! What was rest anyway?
I have spent some time over the last year trying to figure it out but I just wasn’t getting what it really meant to rest. I find myself looking for formulas. If I can just DO this, then BAM! the outcome will be what I want it to be. Sometimes I think that is why I get caught up in books. I think to myself, if it worked for this person…let’s just read their book and do what they did and maybe it will work for me.
Why LORD WHY!?? He is just so sweet to me. I heard in my spirit, just now, “Because you are Debbie…I made you to be Debbie.”
I’ll be honest with you. I have been struggling to write this for a week. Tweaking it again this morning but just didn’t have any peace…until now (because the whole thing was changed).
I am humbled before the LORD as I realize how much I have been trying to NOT be Debbie but, instead, to be any and every person that I tend to admire in some way.
You see, Debbie has done bad things…too many to count…some were little bad things…lots were big bad things. I see, right in this moment, that I have been trying to throw Debbie away in the hopes to be a new and improved somebody. A Debbie without a record. A Debbie that will be different this time. A Debbie without shame. A Debbie that would NEVER do this…or THAT. A Debbie that would never hurt people…
But God made me to be Debbie. I confess that I haven’t trusted HIM to take Debbie and make her new. I’m crying.
I realize that not trusting Him to make THIS DEBBIE new is the reason I have no rest. I’m not running to HIM with this Debbie. I’m out here on my own trying to make a new Debbie myself. Then maybe I can join up with the LORD and we can do this thing called life together.
Jesus said “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Come to me, HE says, right now…as you are. I don’t need you to do my job for me. I don’t need you to clean yourself up before you come to me.
Right now, I feel like it would bring Him joy for me to come to Him just like I am…He will most definitely be glorified in this girl as He makes Debbie new…as He exposes His masterpiece to the world…one layer at a time.
I’ve stopped running…this is real time y’all…I’m picturing me right now carrying heaps upon heaps of all the old Debbie…dragging gobs of junk behind me…kicking chunks of it in front of me…nothing hidden…take it all LORD…
Still picturing me laying at His feet…dirty…in the midst of this mess that has been my life…
Ok LORD…I have come to you. I am weary and burdened.
No more fighting. No more thrashing about. No more running. No more trying to scrub out the stains or stuffing it somewhere. No more denying. No more hiding. Here I am…Debbie…all of me.
As He picks me up out of my mess and holds me. He is gentle and humble. My soul is at rest. He is so very loving to me. How can it be?
O LORD, forgive us…for we know not what we do sometimes. Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for your unfailing love.