I hurt sometimes…plain and simple…do you?
I spent the weekend fighting depression and anger. I kept my face in my pillow as I screamed and struggled to not act out in my flesh in reaction to fresh hurt. The only thing I knew to do was pray…
Yesterday (Monday morning) I had to take my dog to the vet. I turned the radio on because I knew if I sat in silence my mind would begin to swirl in turmoil and anger. So playing Christian music on the radio was all I had the strength for to do battle that morning. In my spirit, I heard “Praise Me…Sing.” I said “No…I’m not feeling it.” Again I heard “Sing.” Again I said “No”.
I dropped my dog off and was headed back home. I didn’t bother with the music but again I heard “Praise Me.” Like a kid throwing a temper tantrum, I turned on At the Foot of the Cross and I cried the song in desperation. As I am singing/crying, the enemy attacked me with an impure thought. I’m hitting the steering wheel and shouting “LORD!!!!…I’m singing to you! Why is this happening? Purify me LORD! PLEASE!” In my spirit, I heard “you must run to ME first…before your depression, before your anger, before you run your mouth to your husband…run to ME.”
Sobbing, I came in the house and grabbed my Bible. I didn’t have a plan so…when all else fails…turn to Proverbs…it was the 2nd of February…so Proverbs 2 it is! But Proverbs 3 caught my eye…
Proverbs 3:3-8 (ESV)
3 Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you;
bind them around your neck;
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 So you will find favor and good success
in the sight of God and man.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
7 Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.
Trust in the Lord?…Do I trust you Lord? Yes…No…I want to Lord…with my whole heart. I hurt sometimes…a lot. I hurt when my kids hurt. I hurt when my husband hurts. I hurt especially when it’s my fault that they hurt.
I heard in my spirit…”TRUST ME”
I was then led to…
Psalm 37:5-11 (ESV)
5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.
7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!
8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
9 For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.
10 In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;
though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
11 But the meek shall inherit the land
and delight themselves in abundant peace.
I couldn’t stop thinking about verse 5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act. Later in the day, I found a prayer I had written just two days before…it started “God, I am committed to you…”
It was like an explosion in my heart…
I suddenly remembered the sweet people I had met in Uganda two years before. They believed God like no one I had ever seen. They live each day expecting to see Him act. I remember wanting a faith like that when I was there. Suddenly I felt “healing in my flesh and refreshment in my bones.”
There was a settling down in my spirit like I’ve never experienced before…LORD I DO trust you. I will cling to you with every ounce of strength I have instead of wasting my energies trying to fight a battle that is not mine.
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
And here I am again…back to the Gospel…believing in His goodness, believing in the ongoing power of redemption…able to move about freely in His Grace and Mercy. Sigh…