When I moved away from home at the age of 18, I not only walked away from my family, but also anything having to do with God. I was taught to fear God and not the kind of fear that translates to awesome reverence and honor, but the kind of fear that basically said “if you screw up, you will go to hell.” I wrote a previous blog regarding that story. You can find that HERE. My goal was to get out of my hometown and go anywhere else. So, I met a guy. We got engaged and moved to his hometown on Long Island. We dated for a total of two years, and I spent those years living so recklessly. I was already well on my way to alcoholism and pill popping any pill I could get my hands on. He introduced me to drugs, telling me to “not knock it til I tried it” and “if you love me, you will do this with me.”
The total chaos of my life left me longing for some type of stabilization, and the only thing I really knew how to do was take care of children. Though we had no date set for a wedding, we pressed ahead with trying to get pregnant. It sounded fun.
(Quick shout out to the young women: Your brain is not fully mature until around the age of 25. Let that be of help to you when you are making decisions that could affect the rest of your life).
I never got pregnant. I ended up back home, and I was angry (that will take a series of blogs).
I met my husband, Jeff, when I was 19. Neither of us were following Christ and we were deciding our own plans of how we would live our lives. With no boundaries in place, we allowed our passions to take over, and we slept together soon after we started dating. He had no condoms, but I was convinced that I could not get pregnant after trying so long in my previous relationship and I assured him that I was broken in that area and unable to get pregnant. We moved ahead in our fierce passion of the moment and, a few weeks later, I find out that I was pregnant. I did let my mom in to my life long enough to see the doctor to confirm the pregnancy.
I was stunned. I also had no idea what to do. I had no one to really talk to. I already figured I was going to hell so talking to God was out of the question. We had no Internet (imagine that!) and I was told that, at this point in my pregnancy, it was just a blob of tissue in my body…that I could get rid of easily. I needed to make the decision quickly before “it turned into a baby” and I found myself at an abortion clinic in Northern Virginia. Jeff was angry that I had “lied” to him and agreed that an abortion seemed like the best decision for everyone, especially since we hardly knew each other. I had my own anxiety and fears of ending up being a single mom and on welfare which is how I grew up. I did not want to raise a kid in that situation so all signs pointed to having the abortion. I found a friend to pay for my half and Jeff paid for the other half and he took me to the clinic and waited for me to take me home.
There were four other young women in my group and we were taken to a small room to be educated on what was going to take place. Never once was a baby even considered. They were more interested in showing us the equipment that will be used to eliminate the “blob of tissue” in my body that had not yet turned into a baby. One young girl (age 15) was in the room and she was trembling so hard and crying so much, I could not concentrate on what each utensil was used for. It looked like tools for a jacked-up gynecology appointment. The 15-year-old girl was led out of the room because she was disturbing the flow of things. I don’t know what happened, but she became hysterical and screaming. Then it got quiet. Then she started screaming again, wailing in pain and begging for help. I came out of the little room because it was my turn to have my abortion.
I walked out and passed the other four women who were now whimpering or silent in their private recovery recliner. The 15-year-old was still screaming and wailing in her recliner.
I walked into “the room” and got up on the cold table. I was shivering and so scared and WHY WAS THAT GIRL SCREAMING SO MUCH??!! SHUT UP!!!!!
The nurse came in and assured me that she would be by my side until the doctor was done. He would be using the “vacuum tool” on me as all I had was a “blob” in me. I was 7-1/2 weeks pregnant. I saw the nurse. I saw the doctor. I could see they were talking. I couldn’t focus. The girl was screaming and the smells were so horrible. I heard the vacuum turn on and then he was inside me with it, sucking out my baby as if it were dirt in a carpet. Everything went black. I had passed out. They awakened me with those really strong ammonia smells. The doctor was gone. The vacuum was in the corner. Blood was on the floor and I was told it was time to go to my recliner where I will continue to bleed and feel contractions. They gave me a pill to help stop the bleeding.
Still that girl was screaming.
I came out. I got into the truck with Jeff. I smoked pot and drank bourbon all the way home. I couldn’t really speak. There were no words. Just pain and bleeding. Jeff dropped me off at home. I went to my bedroom and sat on my bed. Now what?
I called my mom.
All I got out of my mouth was I had an abortion today and she screamed at me “YOU MURDERER!!!!! YOU KILLED MY GRANDCHILD!!!! MURDERER!!!”
I hung up.
I was all alone…bleeding and contracting.
I knew in my heart that I had done something wrong, but I wasn’t exactly sure what or how or why. I wondered if that girl ever stopped screaming.
YEARS LATER, after ridiculous amounts of destructive behaviors (more blogs to come), I found myself at the Pregnancy Center in Culpeper where I went through the training to become a volunteer counselor in helping women who were abortion-minded to know the real truth of what they were considering to do. It was in that training that God met me and healed me and I have participated in many Walk for Life events, raising awareness of what was available to others who found themselves in this situation.
Writing about my abortion has been on my mind for several years. I have a desire to help the ones who have been pushed to the side or to the ones that stay hidden, coping the best way they know how. I want to help the ones who are stuck because they think their decisions and failures define who they are. Absolutely there are consequences to our choices, good and bad, but just because you have consequences doesn’t mean your story doesn’t matter and that you don’t matter. You do not have to walk in shame for the rest of your life.
I have experienced the walking away and washing of the hands because…well…my story is too messy for them. I’m choosing to believe that God is gonna use all of my messy. I can’t wait to see what He does with it all! I have given Him much to work with!
Back to the subject at hand…
I was watching the news a few weeks ago, and they were interviewing some college students. These girls were asked if they would consider an abortion if they accidentally got pregnant. Their responses made me cry.
“Hell yeah I’d kill my baby” said one of them.
“I’d use abortion as a means of birth control with no problem” said another.
They all actually thought it was funny.
I cringed as I thought of that 15-year-old girl screaming and begging someone to help her as we all sat helpless and bleeding and contracting in our own recliners.
That is when it hit me.
The smells, the screaming, the darkness, the vacuum, the tools…all straight from the pit of hell. I was in hell that day, I’m convinced. Shuffled along quickly as not to spend too much time thinking about where you are and what you are doing. We were shuffled in and out so the next group of women could come in. I will never understand how someone comes to work every day in that environment of death and stench and utter brokenness and fear. People hired to do the work of demons…to kill, to steal and to destroy.
This blog is a punch to Satan’s throat.
There is nothing that you could tell me at this point in my life that will ever make that decision right for me. That is not God’s plan for us. Never was and never will be. Yes, I know all the excuses, all the reasons people think its best and, in the kindest way I can speak this to you, they are all lies from the enemy who wants us to keep doing his job for him.
Yesterday, I watched a video of this young girl SCREAMING into the microphone loudly “I LOVE KILLING BABIES!!!” she screamed over and over.
I cannot be silent anymore.
I understand abortion is a hot topic right now, and I understand that many will feel angry at my words and I am okay with that. I am looking for the ones who want healing, who need someone to talk to, to listen and to not judge them for their past decisions or decisions they are currently making. I am one of those people. It is one of the many reasons I became a life coach. I want to help. I want you to know that you have not gone too far. I want you to know that Jesus loves you even if you did have an abortion. He gives us beautiful gifts and one of them is repentance.
Do you want to talk more? Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. There are no such things as coincidences. You are reading this for a reason.