I hurt someone that I love yesterday.
I was bothered that they just kept calling me–day after day. I was angry that they just won’t change their life and live in the way that I think they should be living. Yesterday, they were persistent and, after ignoring the first three calls, I picked up the fourth call and I blew up like what I fear a pressure cooker would do.
“HELLO?! What do you want?! Why do you keep calling??! Is someone dying??!”
Silence.
A silence that fell on me so heavy with conviction I could hardly breathe.
Silence.
I let out a breath full of a lot of pent up energy…my anger dissipating as I realize what I had done.
Again I said “Hello?” Softer. Kinder.
They answered with a quivery childlike voice “I’ll let you go Debbie. I just wanted to hear your voice. I’m sorry I bothered you. I was just lonely.”
Oh GOD…please forgive me! I know that He already has but I have grieved over this all night long and I still have tears falling down my face over my behavior.
God reminded me of how I felt when my best friend told me five years ago as she walked out of my life…
“It was exhausting being your friend.” Crushed me.
Yes, I was high maintenance but my heart’s cry was “please PLEASE let me know that I’m loved…again and again…until I get it.”
Yes, I know now that my heart’s real cry is for Jesus and my heart’s real need is to know that He loves me. But God, in His endless grace, has given us each other to express His love to our brothers and sisters that will ultimately lead them to HIM.
I know we can split hairs on this….I can hear the excuses now because I have my own.
For example:
WELL, you don’t know my situation or
I’ve dealt with this my whole life and I’m just tired of it! or
BUT I just need to set healthy boundaries or
that relationship is so toxic and blah blah blah
BUT ALSO
Sometimes that’s true. You may need to do those things.
Just stop looking for the easy way out! You (and me) are called…chosen to be a reflection of Christ to those who are crying out “please PLEASE let me know that I’m loved…again and again…until I get it.”
John 13:34-35 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples if you have love for one another. (Jesus)
Romans 13:8 Owe no one anything, except to love each other
You can do all that but you do it in a way that your behavior glorifies our God and gives people hope.
I blew it yesterday and I knew it.
I said to them “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry I have been so impatient with you. Help me understand you better. I want to be more understanding. Will you please forgive me?”
Then I quieted my heart and listened to their precious heart.
Jesus loves them too you know.
I can spend so much time focusing on the speck in someone else’s eye that I get so stinkin’ self-righteous but God said remove your plank first girl and then you clothe yourself in love. Stop looking out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others (Philippians 2:4)
My behavior is not based on what they deserve. My behavior is based on what God tells me to do.
I had forgotten how grateful I am that I don’t get what I deserve. I had forgotten how much Jesus loves me.